The mama I never thought I'd be- A reflection on crappy doctors and self-doubt

Growing up, I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I went through a phase where I was obsessed with babies, tried to wrangle my friends into starting a real life version of The Babysitters' Club, and shamelessly asked to play with/ hold/ temporarily steal any baby in sight so I could hone my mommy skills. Then I got a little older and my inquisitiveness and confidence in asking for what I wanted started to be replaced by insecurity and an overwhelming need to just fly under the radar. I developed a weird phobia of holding babies lest they cry in my arms and (gasp!) draw attention to me. I didn't want people staring at me and saying, "Gee, what did you do to that baby?" or thinking that the baby didn't like me.

Like all weird phobias, this one evolved as I got older. Not only did I avoid holding babies, I avoided admitting that I wanted to have babies of my own. I guess deep down I was always afraid that I wouldn't be able to a) have a baby and b) be good at raising it. Being a bit of a checklist-obsessed person, I didn't want to publicly put something that huge, that amazing and (most importantly) that uncontrollable on my lifetime checklist just in case I wasn't able to promptly check it off.

Slowly I began to think more and more about becoming a mom. Meeting and marrying an amazing person definitely helped in this department. Even though I still didn't totally believe in myself, I believed in him and I knew he would fill in any of the parenting blanks I might leave. Plus, he's super cool, super cute and also very laid back, so why wouldn't I want to create a little creature that was half him :) ?

Decision made, we added "Build a family" to our private checklist. Since all my life I've had teachers, parents and random old people in the grocery store tell me how easy it would be to get pregnant if I let my guard down for one second, I really didn't think it would be that hard. So we waited.... and waited... and waited. And my self-doubt grew and grew and grew. I'm a definite "signs" person, so I took all this failure as a sign that maybe I wouldn't really be good enough to be a mama. Maybe the universe was saving my poor little future baby from me messing him/ her/ it up. I wanted to pat myself on the back for not publicly admitting we wanted to have a baby because if we couldn't then I could pretend that I hadn't wanted a baby in the first place. The fact that no one knew we were failing was supposed to make it easier... right?

Well, wrong. It didn't make it any easier because I still knew what I wanted. As much as I tried to deny it and pretend like maybe my little zygote would be better off without me, I still wanted it. Really badly. So, I went to the doctor and tried to get some guidance on what to do. His only answer (and one that he repeated many, many times) was that I should go on medication. Let us just note that I don't even take Tylenol if I can avoid it because I consider it cheating. When I said I wanted to try other things first he said, "Well, I guess you don't really want to get pregnant then." Um, excuse me?!? Not cool, doctor man, not cool. Don't mess with a pre-mama and her pre-babies.

This stupid remark did two things. 1) It made me want to punch the good doctor in the nose. 2) It made me realize that I wasn't afraid to admit that yes, I did want to be a mom, thank you very much and  NOTHING was going to stop me. So there. After this I "went public" with our desire to start a family. And guess what? Apparently my eggs were listening to that doctor and, being stubborn and determined like their mama, they decided they would show him. Mr. E was made about a week later.

If you look closely, I think you can see the "stubborn" section of his brain lighting up.

One of the coolest parts about becoming a mama is how it has brought back some of the pieces of my child-self that I have missed. When it comes to my baby, I'm not afraid of making waves or getting noticed. I don't want to fly under the radar. And to be a good mama I've realized that I have to be honest with myself, figure out what I really want and then go for it. I'm allowed to put things on my checklist, cross them off or even just leave them on there for awhile without accomplishing them (pure insanity, list lovers, I know). And that doesn't make me a failure- it makes me a more open, honest, realistic person. It makes me a better mom, and that, my friends, is the number one thing on my checklist right now. I don't know if being a good mom is something you can ever really "check off", but I am certainly enjoying working on it.

~ love my boys ~