Where's my owner's manual???

In the process of packing for our big move at the end of the month, I find it interesting how many owner's manuals I have unearthed. It seems like everything we have bought, no matter how seemingly simple to operate, has come with an owner's manual. Illustrations abound on how to attach your stroller wheels or insert the batteries to one of the many toys laying around our house. Can't figure it out, even when instructed in 5 languages? No problem- just call the 24 hour hotline.

Just one thing is missing- the owner's manual for my child. I mean, seriously, where is it? How is it that the most difficult task in the world- "operating" a child- doesn't come with some sort of manual? It's been a rough 3 weeks around here. E got his first cold, which threw us all for a loop. He also appears to be going through some sort of oh-my-gosh-my-mom-can-leave-me crisis that he has chosen to handle by using his tiny fingers to get my clothing/hair/nose in a death grip and screaming any time I look like I'm about to move away from him. According to The Wonder Weeks, my go-to "Why is my child turning into a crazy gremlin?" resource, E is entering "The World of Categories". The book gives me a lovely explanation of why this is happening, but what am I supposed to do about it? Where is my manual???

As a teacher, I prided myself on being kind and fun but strict. My classroom management style was one of defined boundaries and logical consequences. I tried to be very consistent and predictable so my kids knew what they could expect if their behavior didn't meet our set classroom expectations. I felt confident in my ability to help my students behave respectfully, reasonably and responsibly (shout out to my Stony Brook friends- yay for being star cubed!). It took me awhile to figure this out and every situation and student needed to be addressed somewhat differently, but there were books on classroom management to help me along the way.

I am having huge difficulties translating this system into a code of conduct for parenting a baby. How do you set boundaries for an 8 month old that doesn't understand English and doesn't have a good enough grasp on cause and effect to really get the meaning of consequences? When I try to set boundaries (no, you may not roll around like a crocodile while I'm trying to scrape poop off your body), E just laughs (or more likely screams) in my face. If he eventually understands that there are boundaries and that mommy will not back down on some things, I can keep doing this. As much as it's driving me insane at the moment, I will keep patiently but firmly doing my, "E, no no" speech as he flops around and screams like a banshee after I thwart his attempts to jump in the slippery bathtub. But how do I know I'm doing this the right way? Again, where is my manual for this parenting thing???

Eating the foam floor tiles. This boy is an animal.

This post is not going to wrap up neatly because I haven't made it through this phase alive yet. While I'm here, stuck in the trenches waiting for some super mom to write a parenting manual with step by step directions on how to raise a kind, well-adjusted, respectful child (complete with a 24-hour advice hotline), I'm calling out to the mamas out there. Advice, offers of babysitting, bottles of wine... all are appreciated (and really, really needed). Let's do this. Ready? Go!

Good thing you're cute, Mr. E!